16/August/2015

I probably have more friends than anyone. Anyone who sees things my way is my friend. If your opinion differs then you cease to be my friend. So let's not talk so that we can remain friends longer.

7/August/2015

Expect me to respond to you exactly.

For instance:

Her: "Hey do you mind if I borrow this really quick?" Reaches down for whatever...

Me: "YES."

Her: "Uh..."

There are probably twenty scenarios in which I really do mind.

What I need is:

Her: "May I borrow your Scripto .5 fountain pen to write a note?"

instead.

05/August/2015

How to love your ten year old son.

Often you tell me you love me and I don't seem to care.
It is not true.
It is just not acceptable input.
Do you want to show affection?
Bring me a paperclip that you twisted up into something original.
Give it to me.
Say: "I thought you might like this."
Smile.
Walk away.
Don't touch my shoulder as you go... I know you want to.
But watch as I invent 5,000 new things with that very paperclip.
Tomorrow we need to go buy more paperclips.
Next week you will hate paperclips.
But I will know that you love me.

05/August/2015

It's OK if I don't want to go outside. I'm four hours in to studying how the various pieces of my Legos can be rearranged. It may take four more hours.

05/August/2015

I don't like looking at what I'm looking at. I will just put my hands over my ears until it goes away.

19/July/2015

I'm not looking you in the eye because I don't trust you. I don't trust you. I'm not looking you in the eye. They're not related. They just are.

16/July/2015

When you chew your food, I want to vomit.